You may have read how our local county and R’s ex wife think they can get Blood From A Turnip a couple of months ago. Sadly, the story continues as R’s ex has filed another show cause. She did this the week before he went into a hospital for his hip replacement. The date was set on the same day as his post surgical appointment at the joint clinic.
He wrote a letter to the court the week after surgery and asked that the date be continued as the clinic appointments are booked several months in advance. The clerk of the court was not helpful to say the least and the best we could get was that she would show it to the judge. This means that instead of rescheduling it in advance, they wait until the morning of court and R’s ex has to show up so they can set another date.
The last time they had to reschedule a date, we had an attorney. The attorney made arrangements with the clerk to reschedule it and told R not to go to court. The judge issued a warrant for his arrest for not showing up in court. The sherrif’s department notified him and he turned himself in the next day. This required us to bond him out.
We went to the clinic with no idea of whether there would be another warrant issued for his arrest when we returned home. We came home and waited for the police to show up and haul him off. We looked over our shoulder and waited on pins and needles for two days. Finally the sheriff delivered a show cause summons for October 27th. Whew.
While there is no possible way that we could pay her the $50,000 or the $1300 per month that the courts have awarded her, R is trying to pay her something every month. It’s worse than a credit card debt as the amount due just keeps growing and growing and there is no way we can even begin to whittle it down.
He will go to court on the 27th with really no hope that anything will change. The court will probably order him to pay another $5000 and give him 3 months to do it. There is no hope at all that we could pay that much. When the judge ordered it last time they put him in jail for 4 months or until the $5000 was paid. A very, very good friend loaned us the money to get him out but we certainly cannot afford to borrow any more and cannot in good conscience accept it when we can’t pay it back.
I am still wondering why the courts awarded this much in spousal support when he was out of work on disability when they were first separated. In Virginia, spousal support is not supposed to be punative. It is not meant to be a punishment, it is meant to allow the spouse to continue to live in the same basic lifestyle that they were living. How can this amount of spousal support be anything but punative when there is no hope of paying it? How many other men or women are in the same situation?
Even if R could go back to work, the economy is so bad that it would be difficult to find a job. This area is extremely depressed. Factories that have been in business for decades are closing their doors. I know of 3 major area employers who have either closed or layed of a large percentage of their employees in the last month. This is a rural area and there are very few employers here anyway.
So R’s ex has won the right to be labeled my biggest aching debt. There is no way to pay it off or even keep up with the monthly payments. It is one of the few debts that can put you in jail for not paying. It cannot be discharged by bankruptcy so it is hopeless.
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I remember these days all too well. Women have such an upper hand in the court room. I blame it on the tear factor and judges not wishing to deal with it. Much like men freaking every time a woman cries. If you can go to the library or pick up a cheap copy of Father’s Rights by Jeffery M. Leving it might help.
One thing I know for sure, do not let her get the best of you. It is only money and sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, this will be over before you know it.
Go prepared to court – tax documents, pay stubs, disability checks and bank statements.
Good luck!
Just make sure you keep your income from that new job completely separate from his assets.
I am sorry to hear about your ongoing legal problems with paying spousal support. You’d think judges would be a little kinder in setting spousal support payments at a level that the person could reasonably pay. There needs to be protection for both sides of these issues.
I understand the legalities involved but you would think… and hope that the laws would be applied with some justice. His ex sniffles and gets all teary eyed and that’s that…. I am not sure since she was unfaithful for 20 years why he is paying her support anyway except for the fact that he could not afford an attorney during the divorce. The one thing I have learned is that it REALLY pays to spend the money for an attorney.
Is there a way you can have the divorce settlement challenged and reviewed? In most states, infidelity and/or abandonment severs rights to alimony, right? We’re always hearing about cases being reviewed and challenged long after the initial verdict, could this be a time to invest some money (even if you have to borrow it, and I know that really hurts at this point) to prevent being continually bled?
I work with a lot of poor women, including many who deserve but don’t get the spousal support they have coming. Infidelity is truly irrelevant. The length of the marriage, and each party’s job prospects, as well as their disabilities is what is at issue. Most people in Randy’s position just stop paying. I’m surprised the court doesn’t give him more credit for sending some money each month, just as I’m surprised that his disabilities aren’t factored in. It doesn’t do his ex much good to have a huge judgment if he’s got no income to garnish. Courts need to get realistic about this.
Grace, in the state of VA infidelity absolutely severs the right to spousal support. If Randy doesn’t pay they will incarcerate him. They did it last summer… he got 4 months or until he paid $5000. He would just be getting out now but some very dear friends of ours paid the $5K. We will pay them back some way, some how, some day but I don’t know how.
Welcome to the “Man’s” world we here so much about. Even though the gender-wage gap was proven to be a myth of special interest research (i.e. men and women with the same education, experience and position make the EXACT same amount), they don’t even factor in the “invisible” money alimony allows. Factor free money with “no-fault” divorce and you see why 70% of the divorces are filed by women.
I don’t blame women for this as much as I blame a society that is eager to go after “big daddy,” take his money and distribute it to the poor hungry women and children…but although it is usually painted this way, more often than not, it ends up in a no-win situation of peonage with a debtor’s prison awaiting. Everything we’ve abolished as draconian thinking has been institutionalized by our government in our personal lives…specifically marriage.
They deem a man to be held responsible for his vows whether or not he did anything that “made” her file for a divorce…and her, oh don’t worry about it sweetie, the state has you covered. Poor thing…we’ll take it from him even though you had an affair and are ready to move in with your boss.
I can see alimony being used by the court to help someone get back on their feet if their spouse leaves them, but YOU CANNOT award money to someone who chooses to leave! AND, the “award” has to be realistic. If he can’t pay it (note the gender specific statement), and he shows he can’t, then it should be “forgiven” as future payment for current help does not satisfy the reason for the order. It serves only to punish, which I have to agree with you, shouldn’t be the case.
So as a society, are we supposed to punish men for getting married? Or just marrying the wrong women? Or should everyone be equal and responsible and accountable for their own decisions?
Have you considered consulting with a pro bono attorney? I will keep this situation in my prayers. I’m so sorry and extend my deepest sympathy and prayers to you. She must be a very disturbed human being. It’s a good thing you aren’t with her anymore!
The alimony laws are unfair and beyond riduclous regardless of gender. I am a female in NC who is the custodial parent of our 5 yr old son and paying my ex $1300 a month because he was a ‘dependent spouse’ because of his disability. He had a very aggressive lawyer who was able to swindle me into an unbelievable separation agreement that I surely thought I would be able to challenge. ..NOT!!…still fighting…
Nichelle, good luck fighting it. We finally got it reduced to a reasonable amount but only because there was a change of circumstances.